"You're s*** and you know you are!"
All down the country, overweight men scoff their pies while hurling abuse at football players on the terraces. Not known for their intelligence, football fans are not known for their knowledge of international politics. To call the Egyptian striker Mido "shoe-bomber" or referring to captain of South Korea Park Ji Sung "eating dog" is admittedly a little bit ridiculous.
For our modern-day Stepford Wife, they anticipate with dread the moment their formerly romantic, lager-lout husbands take their son to the little boy's first ever football game. Exasperated she cries, "I'm going to lose another male in my life to Saturday afternoons!" By contrast, football-mad, what-a-lad dad keeps shouting "GO ON SON!" at football matches, even when their son's not there...
But fear not Stepford Wife and David Mitchell (who hates football)! Knowing about football stars can actually lead to a passion for history and current affairs - it will be like High School Musical gone a little bit weird - instead of choosing between music and sport, our babies could mull over the difficult dilemma of whether his ambition is to become an academic or footballer!
Here is a little taster from the football fan curricula:
Mehmet Scholl - former German international midfielder known for his creativity. Born to a Turkish father and German mother, he is a model of successful Turkish integration in Germany after WWII. His father came to Germany as a Gastarbeiter ('Guest worker') to fulfill Germany's need for labour to fuel their economic miracle of the 1960's and 70's.
Tulio Tanaka - current Japanese international centre-back. Born in Brazil, moved to Japan at the age of 15. His father is Japanese-Brazilian. I have no idea how this combination of nationality came about, but I suspect this came about from Japanese migration to South America including Brazil and Peru which started in 1908 in a search for a better life. Cue here for Alberto Fujimori, the former Peruvian President.
Jong Tae Se - cried like a big baby while singing the North Korea national anthem before his nation's World Cup game against Brazil this summer. Known for his love of hip hop and driver of a Hummer, he is of course not your typical malnourished national of the Democratic People's Republic of Korea. He was in fact born and raised in Japan to Korean parent. Significantly he was sent to attend a Chongryon school, run by Korean residents in Japan. Some of these Koreans may have been used as slave labour during World War II, hence Japan's ambivalent position towards the status of North Korea post-1945. Recent fears over DPRK's nuclear programme has coincided with a crackdown on the Chongryon schools and its activities.
Zlatan Ibrahimovic - Swedish international star currently playing for Barcelona, speaks English pretty well just like any of his highly educated countrymen. Born to a Bosnian father and Croatian mother, it is evidence of the low-profile immigration of Eastern Europeans to Sweden, one of the most liberal countries in the world.
Zinedine Zidane - France football legend of Algerian descent. A closer inspection details France's colonial interests in Algeria, the subsequent Algerian struggle for independence, and the spawning of films like "The Battle of Algiers" and "Les Indigenes".
Luis Figo - (in)famously moved from Barcelona to Real Madrid in the noughties. He returned to the Nou Camp (Barcelona's stadium) for a match where a pig's head was attempted to be thrown at his head. Why would they do that? Well if you knew that Real Madrid was General Franco's team and Barcelona is more than a club, but an important fabric of Catalan identity, then it all makes sense. History runs deep in Spain; Franco's Nationalist Army captured the Republican-held city of Barcelona in February 1939 during the Spanish Civil War.
Aiden McGeady - Irish international who plays for Glaswegian side Celtic. Just another in a long line of Celtic players with an Irish background, Celtic is a 'Catholic' side, as much as fierce rivals Rangers is a 'Protestant' side. Especially on Old Firm day when the two sides meet, there are certain no-go areas in Glasgow town centre depending on where your allegiances lie. An introduction to why Northern Ireland continues to be so controversial.
John Obi Mikel - Nigerian midfielder who currently plays for Chelsea. Peculiarly demonstrates the U.K.'s ambivalence towards E.U. law by having different and far more strict employment laws concerning visas and work permits. Mikel previously played for unknown Norwegian side, Lyn Oslo, why? Immigration within Europe is far easier; he could not have moved to a top English side directly from Nigeria due to work permit restrictions.
Athletic Bilbao - a Spanish team in the top ladder of Spanish football. Only recruits Basque players or those of Basque ancestry. An insight into Spain as an 'incomplete' nation; Spain formerly comprised of different regions with its own rulers and traditions. The Basque region is no different; hence the terrorist activities of ETA, the Basque 'separatist' organisation.
Rivaldo & Fabio Cannavaro - two of the finest players of their generation, now ply their trade in Uzbekistan and the United Arab Emirates respectively. Why would these players go to the Middle East to see out their playing careers? Money of course! These countries have so many petrodollars to throw around, football has become the sheikhs' favourite passion investment.
And finally, a tentative metaphor...
Middlesbrough FC & New Labour - the dates are a bit wrong but...
- Labour came into power in 1997 on the back of landslide hysteria. Middlesbrough FC, situated in the North-East of England in typical I-hate-Tories coal miner territory enjoy the skills of Juninho, a Brazilian midfielder who mesmerized the Premier League in the 1996-1997 season.
- New Labour loses momentum culminating in its election loss of 2010 under the farcical image of Gordon Brown. After some heady years including European football in 2004, Middlesbrough FC started to disintegrate under manager Gareth Southgate who clearly did not know what he was doing. Relegated in 2009, they are now playing in the second tier of English football.
- The loss of 1,700 jobs from Redcar's Corus steelplant was estimated to have cost the town of Middlesbrough £25 million in early 2010 and was a political disaster. Middlesbrough FC's failure to get close to promotion to the Premier League in 2010 which would have been worth as much as £50 million was a footballing disaster.
- Middlesbrough FC wear red, Labour's colours are also red.
See relevant links:
Luis Figo and the Pig's Head
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